NFL Power Rankings - Week 14
I was going to do a column entitled, "Who is the d-bag on my floor at work who consistently clogs the toilet and/or doesn't flush?" However, for your benefit I decided against it.
Quick note before the power rankings for those inquiring about my race against my sister: I knew my only chance was to get in her head and make her run a mile she didn't want to run. I figured she would be running around a 7-minute mile and I could run something much slower, so I took us out in a 1:30 first 400 meters or a 6:00 pace. Mission accomplished. She told me afterward that she was quite nervous at that point. Mission not accomplished. She was only two steps behind me. She then took the lead and I trailed her by a step after a half mile at 3:35. We did the race at UCLA's Drake Stadium and the 1-4 lanes were closed, so the mile race was actually closer to 1.1 miles. Anyhow, a quarter of the way through the third lap I started to die, then my back spasmed, then I collapsed. DNF. So the lesson as always, don't race your in-shape sister when you are woefully out of shape and have back and foot problems. Of course, after hearing about this, my roommate who played WR in college but had ACL surgery wants to race me but will give me a 1/4 mile head start. Results pending. I'll keep you posted.
Further note: I used to be a good athlete. I swear.
On to the rankings:
32. Indianapolis Colts (0-16)
Yes, 0-16. They're clearly not winning a game. And it doesn't seem like they care. Hey, Dwight Freeney, if you're so enraged at someone naming Peyton Manning MVP, why don't you get some of your teammates to play like they care too? I've never seen a team likely to go winless get less publicity for doing so. #Suckforluck.
31. St. Louis Rams (2-10)
Quick, raise your hand if you recommended that people take the Rams to win the division at +350. I'm sorry.
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-9)
Sorry, Jacksonville, it's too late to turn back time and get Tebow and you weren't quite bad enough to get Andrew Luck. Oh well, you'll be the Los Angeles El Ninos in three years anyway.
29. Cleveland Browns (4-8)
Wow, that offense is really bad. Pittsburgh can't be favored by enough tonight.
28. Minnesota Vikings (2-10)
The most fun to watch 2-10 team I've ever seen. I'm not kidding. I really like Minnesota. Another high draft pick could put them into the playoffs within a couple years given the talent on that squad.
27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-8)
Josh Freeman and his 4th quarter comebacks seem like forever and a day ago.
26. Washington Redskins (4-8)
Who's worse at spending money, the Redskins, the Baltimore Orioles, or the government?
25. Philadelphia Eagles (4-8)
It is unbelievable how bad they are given the hype. But you know what they say, if you give a $100M contract to a convicted dog killer . . . sorry, I lost my train of thought, but yeah, the Eagles are bad. At least people in Philadelphia handle these things well.
24. Carolina Panthers (4-8)
Cam Newton is fun to watch and has reinvigorated Steve Smith, but the Panthers are still far from being good.
23. Kansas City Chiefs (5-7)
Tyler Palko is no Shane Falco. Hey, that rhymes!
22. Arizona Cardinals (5-7)
Nice work with that contract extension to Kevin Kolb.
21. Buffalo Bills (5-7)
Speaking of horrible extensions to quarterbacks . . . Ryan Fitzpatrick!
20. San Diego Chargers (5-7)
The Chargers are not coming on strong. They got to play the Jaguars. There is a difference.
19. Miami Dolphins (4-8)
How do you go from being the front runner for Andrew Luck to a team nobody wants to face at the drop of a hat? I don't get it.
18. Seattle Seahawks (5-7)
Marshawn Lynch is a beast. That's about all the good news you have as a Seahawks fan outside of home field advantage.
17. Chicago Bears (7-5)
Maybe you should have a backup plan for the most important position in football. Just a thought for next time.
16. Oakland Raiders (7-5)
I have zero faith in them going forward, especially without McFadden.
15. New York Giants (6-6)
It's Tom Coughlin Red Face time! While that is fun, the Eli Manning face is far superior. Coughlin has some catching up to do.
14. Detroit Lions (7-5)
They're about as disciplined as a room full of kindgergarteners the second someone comes into a quiet room and yells, "COOKIES!"
13. Tennessee Titans (7-5)
They are the definition of a mediocre team although it is fun to watch them now that someone woke Chris Johnson up from his hybernation.
12. Cincinnati Bengals (7-5)
You know what you're getting from them. They won't beat a solid team and they'll take care of business for the most part in every other game. The Andy Dalton pick keeps getting smarter by the week.
11. New York Jets (7-5)
If they can get back to running the ball and turn Mark Sanchez into Trent Dilfer 2.0, then they have a chance.
10. Houston Texans (9-3)
Pardon me if I'm not buying into the T.J. Yates era. I'm not even sure if that's his first name but it's not worth looking up the third string quarterback's first name.
9. Denver Broncos (7-5)
Wait for it . . . TEBOW!!!!!!!
8. Atlanta Falcons (7-5)
Notwithstanding this past week's performance, Atlanta seems to be playing well at the right time, and if Julio Jones holds onto that ball last week, well . . .
7. Dallas Cowboys (7-5)
I don't care what the talking heads are saying. He iced his own kicker! How do you do that?
6. San Francisco 49ers (10-2)
It's still Alex Smith. I can't bring myself this close to the playoffs to pick the 49ers over any of the teams listed below.
5. New Orleans Saints (9-3)
If the Saints can turn every game into a shootout, they're your Super Bowl champions. If not, that defense is more than suspect.
4. New England Patriots (9-3)
See comment for New Orleans Saints above. I know, two teams are not allowed to win the Super Bowl in the same season.
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3)
They're getting healthy. James Harrison looks like a beast again. I'm liking my Super Bowl pick.
2. Baltimore Ravens (9-3)
How much do you trust Joe Flacco and the aging defense going forward into the playoffs? A serious question that will be answered in due course.
1. Green Bay Packers (12-0)
Nothing really to say here. 12-0.
WEEK 14 PICKS
Pittsburgh -14 vs. Cleveland
Indianapolis +16.5 at Baltimore
New York Jets -10.5 vs. Kansas City
Minnesota +10 at Detroit
Washington +9 vs. New England
New Orleans -3.5 at Tennessee
Miami -3 vs. Philadelphia
Atlanta -3 at Carolina
Jacksonville +2 vs. Tampa Bay
Cincinnati -3 vs. Houston
San Francisco -4 at Arizona
Denver -3.5 vs. Chicago
Oakland +11 at Green Bay
San Diego -7.5 vs. Buffalo
Dallas -3 vs. New York Giants
St. Louis +6 at Seattle
Last Week: 8-8
Season: 91-92-9
Quick note before the power rankings for those inquiring about my race against my sister: I knew my only chance was to get in her head and make her run a mile she didn't want to run. I figured she would be running around a 7-minute mile and I could run something much slower, so I took us out in a 1:30 first 400 meters or a 6:00 pace. Mission accomplished. She told me afterward that she was quite nervous at that point. Mission not accomplished. She was only two steps behind me. She then took the lead and I trailed her by a step after a half mile at 3:35. We did the race at UCLA's Drake Stadium and the 1-4 lanes were closed, so the mile race was actually closer to 1.1 miles. Anyhow, a quarter of the way through the third lap I started to die, then my back spasmed, then I collapsed. DNF. So the lesson as always, don't race your in-shape sister when you are woefully out of shape and have back and foot problems. Of course, after hearing about this, my roommate who played WR in college but had ACL surgery wants to race me but will give me a 1/4 mile head start. Results pending. I'll keep you posted.
Further note: I used to be a good athlete. I swear.
On to the rankings:
32. Indianapolis Colts (0-16)
Yes, 0-16. They're clearly not winning a game. And it doesn't seem like they care. Hey, Dwight Freeney, if you're so enraged at someone naming Peyton Manning MVP, why don't you get some of your teammates to play like they care too? I've never seen a team likely to go winless get less publicity for doing so. #Suckforluck.
31. St. Louis Rams (2-10)
Quick, raise your hand if you recommended that people take the Rams to win the division at +350. I'm sorry.
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-9)
Sorry, Jacksonville, it's too late to turn back time and get Tebow and you weren't quite bad enough to get Andrew Luck. Oh well, you'll be the Los Angeles El Ninos in three years anyway.
29. Cleveland Browns (4-8)
Wow, that offense is really bad. Pittsburgh can't be favored by enough tonight.
28. Minnesota Vikings (2-10)
The most fun to watch 2-10 team I've ever seen. I'm not kidding. I really like Minnesota. Another high draft pick could put them into the playoffs within a couple years given the talent on that squad.
27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-8)
Josh Freeman and his 4th quarter comebacks seem like forever and a day ago.
26. Washington Redskins (4-8)
Who's worse at spending money, the Redskins, the Baltimore Orioles, or the government?
25. Philadelphia Eagles (4-8)
It is unbelievable how bad they are given the hype. But you know what they say, if you give a $100M contract to a convicted dog killer . . . sorry, I lost my train of thought, but yeah, the Eagles are bad. At least people in Philadelphia handle these things well.
24. Carolina Panthers (4-8)
Cam Newton is fun to watch and has reinvigorated Steve Smith, but the Panthers are still far from being good.
23. Kansas City Chiefs (5-7)
Tyler Palko is no Shane Falco. Hey, that rhymes!
22. Arizona Cardinals (5-7)
Nice work with that contract extension to Kevin Kolb.
21. Buffalo Bills (5-7)
Speaking of horrible extensions to quarterbacks . . . Ryan Fitzpatrick!
20. San Diego Chargers (5-7)
The Chargers are not coming on strong. They got to play the Jaguars. There is a difference.
19. Miami Dolphins (4-8)
How do you go from being the front runner for Andrew Luck to a team nobody wants to face at the drop of a hat? I don't get it.
18. Seattle Seahawks (5-7)
Marshawn Lynch is a beast. That's about all the good news you have as a Seahawks fan outside of home field advantage.
17. Chicago Bears (7-5)
Maybe you should have a backup plan for the most important position in football. Just a thought for next time.
16. Oakland Raiders (7-5)
I have zero faith in them going forward, especially without McFadden.
15. New York Giants (6-6)
It's Tom Coughlin Red Face time! While that is fun, the Eli Manning face is far superior. Coughlin has some catching up to do.
14. Detroit Lions (7-5)
They're about as disciplined as a room full of kindgergarteners the second someone comes into a quiet room and yells, "COOKIES!"
13. Tennessee Titans (7-5)
They are the definition of a mediocre team although it is fun to watch them now that someone woke Chris Johnson up from his hybernation.
12. Cincinnati Bengals (7-5)
You know what you're getting from them. They won't beat a solid team and they'll take care of business for the most part in every other game. The Andy Dalton pick keeps getting smarter by the week.
11. New York Jets (7-5)
If they can get back to running the ball and turn Mark Sanchez into Trent Dilfer 2.0, then they have a chance.
10. Houston Texans (9-3)
Pardon me if I'm not buying into the T.J. Yates era. I'm not even sure if that's his first name but it's not worth looking up the third string quarterback's first name.
9. Denver Broncos (7-5)
Wait for it . . . TEBOW!!!!!!!
8. Atlanta Falcons (7-5)
Notwithstanding this past week's performance, Atlanta seems to be playing well at the right time, and if Julio Jones holds onto that ball last week, well . . .
7. Dallas Cowboys (7-5)
I don't care what the talking heads are saying. He iced his own kicker! How do you do that?
6. San Francisco 49ers (10-2)
It's still Alex Smith. I can't bring myself this close to the playoffs to pick the 49ers over any of the teams listed below.
5. New Orleans Saints (9-3)
If the Saints can turn every game into a shootout, they're your Super Bowl champions. If not, that defense is more than suspect.
4. New England Patriots (9-3)
See comment for New Orleans Saints above. I know, two teams are not allowed to win the Super Bowl in the same season.
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3)
They're getting healthy. James Harrison looks like a beast again. I'm liking my Super Bowl pick.
2. Baltimore Ravens (9-3)
How much do you trust Joe Flacco and the aging defense going forward into the playoffs? A serious question that will be answered in due course.
1. Green Bay Packers (12-0)
Nothing really to say here. 12-0.
WEEK 14 PICKS
Pittsburgh -14 vs. Cleveland
Indianapolis +16.5 at Baltimore
New York Jets -10.5 vs. Kansas City
Minnesota +10 at Detroit
Washington +9 vs. New England
New Orleans -3.5 at Tennessee
Miami -3 vs. Philadelphia
Atlanta -3 at Carolina
Jacksonville +2 vs. Tampa Bay
Cincinnati -3 vs. Houston
San Francisco -4 at Arizona
Denver -3.5 vs. Chicago
Oakland +11 at Green Bay
San Diego -7.5 vs. Buffalo
Dallas -3 vs. New York Giants
St. Louis +6 at Seattle
Last Week: 8-8
Season: 91-92-9
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