Doin' Work
I think we can all agree that Kobe Doin' Work, a Spike Lee joint, was one of the worst two hours that ESPN ever aired. It was like the special where they aired all of their Sportscenter commercials of the past decade, only the exact opposite. Whose idea was this? Had to be Kobe's right? How much did he pay Spike for the good PR? It's like Kobe sat there at said, "hmm, everybody still hates me and it's not even cause of the white girl in Colorado anymore. I know, let's make a documentary where I pretend to like my teammates. They pretend to listen to me. I pretend to be nice to officials and only bother them to protect my teammates. I set up a shot with my daughters waving to me so normal parents will like me too. I'll get Spike Lee to do it because he has street cred. Hmm . . . what else? No, that should do it. Everybody will like me after this. They have to, right?"
Sorry Kobe, but it didn't go as planned. If any of you out there watched the special then you were one of two things: First, you were bored out of your mind because it came off like a 2-hour Sportscenter highlight only instead of an anchor doing the highlights it was Kobe, and he was giving a fake laugh every 14 seconds. Second, you thought it was utterly ridiculous and clearly staged because Kobe NEVER gets a towel out to act like a cheerleader and he's always whining about calls. I guess it was Opposite Day. The whole thing seemed so contrived. I think Sasha and Luke deserve Oscars for their roles. Lamar was my favorite though. Apparently he didn't get the memo about pretending to listen to Kobe and like him. When it was his turn in the script for Kobe to come over to impart some random wisdom, Lamar just sat there during the timeout like he normally does. Kobe went on and on and Lamar just sat there with a blank look on his face. When Kobe was finally done, Lamar didn't really react and walked away. Kobe had a perplexed look on his face that said, "um, Lamar, did you not get your script? I left three copies in your locker." Not as bad as when LL Cool J got too into his role in Any Given Sunday and hit Jamie Foxx, but definitely as funny. Anyhow, I fell into the ridiculous column for the first hour, then moved into the bored column for the next thirty minutes and shut it off after the Kobe talking multiple languages on the bench part. Too much for me. I did like that Spike Lee will definitely get flack for this. I tend to hold a grudge, so ever since Mo' Better Blues, I haven't been a huge fan. I don't care too much for people who clearly do not like Jews. Sorry Spike, you're in the Jesse Jackson column in my book, only with far less illegitimate kids. Spike's a great director. I don't have to like him. What does Jesse Jackson actually do anyway? Sorry, non-sequitor. Back to Kobe Doin' Work. You know what. No more Kobe Doin' Work for me. It was that bad. They should have taken Rick Reilly's article where Reilly follows Kobe around for his game day routine starting at his house in the O.C. all the way to Staples Center. That was an interesting article. I would have watched the documentary version of that (http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=4069863). But since they didn't do it, I came up with my Top 5 documentaries I wish they did on game day.
5. Chris Andersen Doin' Work: The 2005 NBA Slam Dunk Contest
Footage: "Time for the Birdman to fly."
Andersen: Yeah, I kind of wish I hadn't had said that.
Footage: Missed dunk #1.
Andersen: I almost had it. I think the roof would have come off if I had nailed that one.
Spike Lee: How high were you on that one?
Andersen: My lawyer probably wouldn't want me to answer that.
Spike Lee: No, I mean how high did you jump?
Andersen: Huh? Oh, um, I still don't think I'm supposed to answer a question by saying I was high.
Footage: Missed dunk #4.
Andersen: Do we have to keep watching this?
Footage: Made dunk after 15,000 tries.
Andersen: They only gave me a 41? That's ridiculous!
END SCENE
4. Mark Madsen Doin' Work: Any game 2001-2003
Footage: Shaq with a monster jam.
Madsen: I love Shaq!
Footage: Kobe drives to the hoop and lays one in.
Madsen: I love Kobe!
Footage: Madsen on the bench smiling and cheering.
Madsen: I always like to look sharp so I zip my warm-up jacket all the way up.
Footage: Lakers win.
Madsen: Wasn't that amazing? I think it's dancing time!
END SCENE
3. Rasheed Wallace Doin' Work: Any game in which he got a technical foul.
Footage: Rasheed clearly fouls someone.
Footage: Opposing player misses first free throw.
Footage: Rasheed yells, "Ball don't lie!"
Wallace: See, the ball don't lie.
Footage: Rasheed clearly fouls another player.
Wallace: What game are these refs watching.
Footage: Rasheed gets T'd up.
Wallace: I hate Steve Javie.
Footage: Dunleavy looks perplexed.
Wallace: And you wonder why we could never win?
END SCENE
2. Ron Artest Doin' Work: 11-9-04
Footage: Artest nails Ben Wallace.
Artest: He should have known he was messing with Ron Artest. You don't mess with Ron Artest.
Footage: Wallace two-hand shoves Artest.
Artest: Man, back when I was playing on the streets in New York, that stuff happens and you know, one time, a dragon came out onto the court and literally ate a guy. I'm serious. And I took a broken bottle off of the street corner and slashed the dragon's throat. True story. You don't mess with Ron Artest.
Footage: Ron Artest goes to sleep on the scorer's table.
Artest: All these fools fighting around me? That stuff doesn't faze me. Did I tell you about the time that I was playing on the streets in New York and this guy got fouled so he unleashed a biological weapon in another guy's mouth like Nic Cage in The Rock? True story.
Footage: Beer cup lands on Ron Artest.
Artest: Did that guy know he threw the beer at Ron Artest? What did you expect me to do?
Footage: Artest goes after the wrong guy.
Artest: Don't matter.
Footage: Genius Pistons fan comes onto the court and gets decked by Artest.
Artest: Did I tell you about the time I was playing on the streets in New York and . . .
Spike Lee: Yeah Ron. You did. I think that's enough footage for the show. I'll holler.
END SCENE
1. Stephen Jackson Doin' Work: 11-9-04 (language edited for print and television)
Footage: Artest gets shoved in the face by Ben Wallace. Jackson squares off with the entire Pistons team.
Jackson (mic'd up): You want some? Forget all of you. I'll take your whole team.
Footage: Nobody actually touching or getting near Jackson.
Jackson (mic'd up): I'm not playing. Who wants some of this?
Jackson (in studio): They're lucky Rick Carlisle was holding me back.
Footage: Artest goes into the stands and takes a swing. Jackson tries to sucker punch anyone in sight throwing wider hooks than Ricky Hatton.
Jackson (mic'd up): You know who you're messing with? Get up! C'mon man! I got some for you!
Footage: Jackson walking around like a man possessed then staring at nobody in particular.
Jackson (mic'd up): Forget this. I'm going back to my locker room, and I'm gonna get my gun.
Spike Lee: Good call. Worked for Marques Johnson in White Men Can't Jump.
Footage: Jackson being held back by Pacers personnel.
Jackson (mic'd up): Seriously, let me go. I'm just gonna get my gun. It's all good, just let me go get it.
Footage: Jackson leaving the floor taunting the fans and getting a beer shower.
Jackson (mic'd up): Forget all y'all. Wait, what's that. Is that free beer? Nice! Thanks. I'll see y'all at the strip club later on.
Jackson (in studio): Yo Spike. You try to sell this or air this I'll kill you.
END SCENE
Sorry Kobe, but it didn't go as planned. If any of you out there watched the special then you were one of two things: First, you were bored out of your mind because it came off like a 2-hour Sportscenter highlight only instead of an anchor doing the highlights it was Kobe, and he was giving a fake laugh every 14 seconds. Second, you thought it was utterly ridiculous and clearly staged because Kobe NEVER gets a towel out to act like a cheerleader and he's always whining about calls. I guess it was Opposite Day. The whole thing seemed so contrived. I think Sasha and Luke deserve Oscars for their roles. Lamar was my favorite though. Apparently he didn't get the memo about pretending to listen to Kobe and like him. When it was his turn in the script for Kobe to come over to impart some random wisdom, Lamar just sat there during the timeout like he normally does. Kobe went on and on and Lamar just sat there with a blank look on his face. When Kobe was finally done, Lamar didn't really react and walked away. Kobe had a perplexed look on his face that said, "um, Lamar, did you not get your script? I left three copies in your locker." Not as bad as when LL Cool J got too into his role in Any Given Sunday and hit Jamie Foxx, but definitely as funny. Anyhow, I fell into the ridiculous column for the first hour, then moved into the bored column for the next thirty minutes and shut it off after the Kobe talking multiple languages on the bench part. Too much for me. I did like that Spike Lee will definitely get flack for this. I tend to hold a grudge, so ever since Mo' Better Blues, I haven't been a huge fan. I don't care too much for people who clearly do not like Jews. Sorry Spike, you're in the Jesse Jackson column in my book, only with far less illegitimate kids. Spike's a great director. I don't have to like him. What does Jesse Jackson actually do anyway? Sorry, non-sequitor. Back to Kobe Doin' Work. You know what. No more Kobe Doin' Work for me. It was that bad. They should have taken Rick Reilly's article where Reilly follows Kobe around for his game day routine starting at his house in the O.C. all the way to Staples Center. That was an interesting article. I would have watched the documentary version of that (http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=4069863). But since they didn't do it, I came up with my Top 5 documentaries I wish they did on game day.
5. Chris Andersen Doin' Work: The 2005 NBA Slam Dunk Contest
Footage: "Time for the Birdman to fly."
Andersen: Yeah, I kind of wish I hadn't had said that.
Footage: Missed dunk #1.
Andersen: I almost had it. I think the roof would have come off if I had nailed that one.
Spike Lee: How high were you on that one?
Andersen: My lawyer probably wouldn't want me to answer that.
Spike Lee: No, I mean how high did you jump?
Andersen: Huh? Oh, um, I still don't think I'm supposed to answer a question by saying I was high.
Footage: Missed dunk #4.
Andersen: Do we have to keep watching this?
Footage: Made dunk after 15,000 tries.
Andersen: They only gave me a 41? That's ridiculous!
END SCENE
4. Mark Madsen Doin' Work: Any game 2001-2003
Footage: Shaq with a monster jam.
Madsen: I love Shaq!
Footage: Kobe drives to the hoop and lays one in.
Madsen: I love Kobe!
Footage: Madsen on the bench smiling and cheering.
Madsen: I always like to look sharp so I zip my warm-up jacket all the way up.
Footage: Lakers win.
Madsen: Wasn't that amazing? I think it's dancing time!
END SCENE
3. Rasheed Wallace Doin' Work: Any game in which he got a technical foul.
Footage: Rasheed clearly fouls someone.
Footage: Opposing player misses first free throw.
Footage: Rasheed yells, "Ball don't lie!"
Wallace: See, the ball don't lie.
Footage: Rasheed clearly fouls another player.
Wallace: What game are these refs watching.
Footage: Rasheed gets T'd up.
Wallace: I hate Steve Javie.
Footage: Dunleavy looks perplexed.
Wallace: And you wonder why we could never win?
END SCENE
2. Ron Artest Doin' Work: 11-9-04
Footage: Artest nails Ben Wallace.
Artest: He should have known he was messing with Ron Artest. You don't mess with Ron Artest.
Footage: Wallace two-hand shoves Artest.
Artest: Man, back when I was playing on the streets in New York, that stuff happens and you know, one time, a dragon came out onto the court and literally ate a guy. I'm serious. And I took a broken bottle off of the street corner and slashed the dragon's throat. True story. You don't mess with Ron Artest.
Footage: Ron Artest goes to sleep on the scorer's table.
Artest: All these fools fighting around me? That stuff doesn't faze me. Did I tell you about the time that I was playing on the streets in New York and this guy got fouled so he unleashed a biological weapon in another guy's mouth like Nic Cage in The Rock? True story.
Footage: Beer cup lands on Ron Artest.
Artest: Did that guy know he threw the beer at Ron Artest? What did you expect me to do?
Footage: Artest goes after the wrong guy.
Artest: Don't matter.
Footage: Genius Pistons fan comes onto the court and gets decked by Artest.
Artest: Did I tell you about the time I was playing on the streets in New York and . . .
Spike Lee: Yeah Ron. You did. I think that's enough footage for the show. I'll holler.
END SCENE
1. Stephen Jackson Doin' Work: 11-9-04 (language edited for print and television)
Footage: Artest gets shoved in the face by Ben Wallace. Jackson squares off with the entire Pistons team.
Jackson (mic'd up): You want some? Forget all of you. I'll take your whole team.
Footage: Nobody actually touching or getting near Jackson.
Jackson (mic'd up): I'm not playing. Who wants some of this?
Jackson (in studio): They're lucky Rick Carlisle was holding me back.
Footage: Artest goes into the stands and takes a swing. Jackson tries to sucker punch anyone in sight throwing wider hooks than Ricky Hatton.
Jackson (mic'd up): You know who you're messing with? Get up! C'mon man! I got some for you!
Footage: Jackson walking around like a man possessed then staring at nobody in particular.
Jackson (mic'd up): Forget this. I'm going back to my locker room, and I'm gonna get my gun.
Spike Lee: Good call. Worked for Marques Johnson in White Men Can't Jump.
Footage: Jackson being held back by Pacers personnel.
Jackson (mic'd up): Seriously, let me go. I'm just gonna get my gun. It's all good, just let me go get it.
Footage: Jackson leaving the floor taunting the fans and getting a beer shower.
Jackson (mic'd up): Forget all y'all. Wait, what's that. Is that free beer? Nice! Thanks. I'll see y'all at the strip club later on.
Jackson (in studio): Yo Spike. You try to sell this or air this I'll kill you.
END SCENE
Comments