Don't Walk Down That Alley
I was discussing Allyson's comment from the last column about my random knowledge of gangs with some friends at work yesterday. As it turns out, someone else watches those Gangland shows on the History Channel too, so we got to talking about which gangs we feared most. To put it another way, if you were walking down an alley and saw a member of one of the gangs, which gang would you least want him to be affiliated with in terms of how much you'd fear for your life. I'm not going to put the answer here for fear that some other gang member will feel slighted at our choice and try to prove me wrong, but it got me thinking, which athlete would I least want to anger. Thus today's column. On a scale from 1 to 100, how scary is an angry (fill in the blank with the athlete's name)?
For some more perspective, here's an excerpt from Eddie Murphy's standup in Raw: "That's when I got scared. I did some jokes about Mr. T., and Mr. T was gonna [mess] Ed up. And I was scared, because y'all seen Mr. T. He don't look like, you know, like he can't fight. . . .Then I found out Michael Jackson was looking for me. I was like, "So?" You know, because I'd [mess] Mike up. You know, Mike...Mike don't weigh but a buck-oh-five, you know." You get the idea now. Mr. T. would be about an 85 and Michael Jackson would be about a 0.2.
Here's my list. We're going to be sticking to current players for the most part in order to remain as objective as possible.
0.1: Mike Weir (Golf). I know it's kind of cheating to put a golfer in here, but I can't think of someone who sparks less fear in me. He's not big. He's Canadian, so he has to be nice. I mean look at him (http://www.golfdigest.com/images/golfworld/2007/09/gwar01_070921weir.jpg). "Hmm, I wonder what charity I can donate to tomorrow." Anytime you can put that into a thought bubble for someone and it's not at all far fetched, odds are he's not scaring anyone in an alley. The only reason he gets a 0.1 and not a zero is that he's a lefty. If he did get mad and take a swing, his southpaw stance might throw you off for a second.
1: Jeffrey Buttle (Figure Skating). Go to Buttle's home page. Click on the second photo gallery. Personal Jesus? Ribbon in the sky? Seriously? We're moving on.
2: Phil Mickelson (Golf). http://www.aerojockey.com/fark/originals/phil-mickelson.jpg. Um. . .yeah.
3: Derek Fisher (Basketball). Too nice.
4: Michael Fey (Maybe Playing Basketball Somewhere). Hey, I couldn't leave him out of here. I actually did run into him at a sports bar once and started telling someone just how much of a waste of space and size Fey was, not realizing that the 7-foot marshmallow was behind me. Needless to say, he didn't do anything, thankfully.
5: Martin Gramatica (Football). How harmful can a guy be who gets that excited every time he makes a 33-yard field goal? He might hit you in the face with his Ryu from Street Fighter II like celebration if he were to get in a skirmish, but otherwise, this 5'8'', 170 lb. kicker is about as scary as a bunny rabbit. It could be worse, he could be his younger brother imitating his celebration and tearing his ACL in the process.
8: Eli Manning (Football). Doesn't he always have a look on his face like he's trying to figure out the square root of 436,201? If you look up "deer in headlights" in the dictionary, here's the picture you'll probably see: http://www.starpulse.com/Athletes/Manning,_Eli/gallery/2883051/. Just Google "Eli Manning Deer In Headlights" and see how many hits come up. Not a good sign for a guy being intimidating. He does however get bonus points for being 6'4'', 225 lbs. If Archie Manning is watching, Eli might creep up to a 12. 15 if dad and Peyton are watching.
10: Cristiano Ronaldo (Soccer). Touch him once and he'll be down for 10 minutes screaming as if in agonizing pain.
14: Andruw Jones (Baseball). Even if he got mad at you, is there any way if you ran for it that he'd be able to catch you? Unless his girth takes up the whole alleyway, you're fine. Here's a forwarded line I got about Andruw Jones from my friend, Gavin. "Andruw Jones' favorite color is food." I think that says it all. If you pissed him off, it'd last a second, he'd smile, put on some Bob Marley and at worst he'd try to eat you.
17: Tony Parker (Basketball). I don't think of him as the French guy liable to bust out the Zidane headbutt. If his pet turtle, a.k.a. Timmy, a.k.a. Tim Duncan, is with him, maybe he climbs up to a 24.
21: Travis Ishikawa (Baseball). He could have a baseball on him and if he chucks it at you, you could have a 90 MPH ball flying at your head. On the bright side, if he misses or it doesn't completely debilitate you, here's what might transpire: http://youtube.com/watch?v=MyCksO5mktQ&feature=related.
25: Lennox Lewis (Boxing). I know he's retired and I know he's ginormous and was the heavyweight champion. But nothing about this guy scares me. What's he going to do? Keep pawing at you with a jab? He'd probably underestimate you and then expose his glass chin. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABZu5v2JPuE. At least he was smiling right before he went down.
28: Danica Patrick (Auto Racing). Crazy factor. Why does she keep getting into fights? There must be something to it. She'll be seasoned if you ever get into a tussle with her.
33: Anderson Varejao (Basketball). On sheer size this guy should be at least a 72, but between his hair and his propensity for falling down anytime someone gets near him, Varejao finds himself down here with a 33 rating.
36: David Ortiz (Baseball). Another guy who on looks should be much higher. But, Ortiz is way too nice. In fact, 36 might be too high, but I couldn't drop him below Varejao. I'd still be more scared of Ortiz I think.
40: Marvin Harrison (Football). Marvin Harrison would have been about a 3 until I found out that the guy has an arsenal and allegedly isn't afraid to use it. I had a discussion with my friends about who the most unlikely shooting suspect in the sports world is, now that Marvin Harrison is off the list. I came up with Derek Fisher. My friend topped me with Tiger Woods.
44 (tie): Brook and Robin Lopez (Basketball). I know a lot of you are probably thinking that this is too high, even though both are huge, but don't forget, either one could distract you with his Cookie Monster voice and you'd be down on the ground laughing, thus susceptible to sucker punches.
49: Todd Bertuzzi (Hockey). The guy's willing to fight dirty. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMvOd3qde6k.
53: Roy Williams (Football). He'd probably horse collar you to the ground before beating you down. He can hit hard too.
57: Elaine Powell (Basketball). I don't think I've ever seen another woman land a punch this cleanly in a team sport. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qczJLdMkmGg.
60: Chris Henry (Football). I'm going to guess that you're not his first fight if you run into him, and that he's probably not sober. If you're lucky there's a police officer nearby. This guy's a cop magnet.
63: Sam Cassell (Basketball). Sam should be way lower, but there's an off chance that he might use his alien powers against you. I'm guessing that would not be good.
66: Wayne Rooney (Soccer). You don't want to be in a fight with someone willing to stomp on your little warrior in the World Cup. Who knows what he's capable of in a back alley?
68: Shaquille O'Neal (Basketball). Everybody loves Shaq. I know that. But remember when he tried to take Brad Miller's head off? http://espn.go.com/nba/news/2002/0113/1310789.html#. How would you feel seeing that roundhouse coming at you?
72: Frank Francisco (Baseball). It's not good to be 6'3'', 230 lb. if you're in this column. But combine that with the willingness to launch a chair into the stands, and you get a 76 rating. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQE4ztJQj8Q.
76: Izzy Alcantara (Baseball). This guy's definitely got the crazy factor covered. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6UfpTZEo1I. Plus, I think it says something about him when he just spiked the catcher to the ground and nobody on the other team wants to be the one to take the guy on. At least the pitcher threw his glove at the guy.
79: Zab Judah (Boxing). He's a trained fighter, and he definitely satisfies the craziness requirement. He's not higher because of his size, plus, if you're fast enough to land one, the chicken dance could be in full effect. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esRMgF6KuM0. True to form though, Zab goes after the ref post-fight. Not someone I'd mess with under any circumstances if there were no rules.
83: Adam "Don't Call Me Pacman Anymore" Jones (Football). We love the crazy factor here at Rudin Weekly. Jones loses points for not being as big as the guys that follow. But what he lacks in size, he makes up for in lunacy.
87: Ron Artest (Basketball). Ron Ron is almost into the Tyson crazy atmosphere. However, we've never seen Artest do anything remotely violent enough to warrant a higher placement on this list. Crazy, yes. Uber-violent, no. Sorry Ron.
91: Tank Johnson (Football). He's 6'3'', 300 lb. His name is Tank. He's capable of a 4.7 second time in the 40-yard dash, so you're not escaping him. And even if you're faster, he's armed with enough weapons to occupy Paris. Ok, bad example. (Bonus points for you if you caught that movie reference at the end).
95: Quinton Jackson (MMA). Mixed Martial Arts champ and certifiably insane to the point where his friends get him locked into a mental ward. http://sports.yahoo.com/mma/news?slug=ki-071508&prov=yhoo&type=lgns.
98: Suge Knight (Death Row). I know I said we'd be keeping this to current athletes (Suge played college football), but how could you have a "who would you least like to run into in an alley" column without mentioning Suge Knight?
99: Ray Lewis (Football). When you are one of the largest, fiercest linebackers in the NFL and prominently involved in a double homicide investigation revolving around a stabbing, there's a good chance that you're not really afraid of violence.
100 (tie): Stephen Jackson (Basketball). First off, if you run into Stephen Jackson in an alley, he's got a gun. If he's mad at you, he's shooting. That's a bad start. But, even before that late night strip club incident, Jackson may have solidified his 100 rating with his on-court performance. Any time something like the brawl at the Palace happens, and it's abundantly clear that you were the craziest person on the court, and that you looked to be enjoying yourself, and didn't appear remotely scared, AND taunted the thousands of people trying to kill you, you get yourself a 100 rating.
100 (tie): Mike Tyson (Boxing). When everybody nods their heads in agreement at a 100 rating, you don't really need an explanation.
For some more perspective, here's an excerpt from Eddie Murphy's standup in Raw: "That's when I got scared. I did some jokes about Mr. T., and Mr. T was gonna [mess] Ed up. And I was scared, because y'all seen Mr. T. He don't look like, you know, like he can't fight. . . .Then I found out Michael Jackson was looking for me. I was like, "So?" You know, because I'd [mess] Mike up. You know, Mike...Mike don't weigh but a buck-oh-five, you know." You get the idea now. Mr. T. would be about an 85 and Michael Jackson would be about a 0.2.
Here's my list. We're going to be sticking to current players for the most part in order to remain as objective as possible.
0.1: Mike Weir (Golf). I know it's kind of cheating to put a golfer in here, but I can't think of someone who sparks less fear in me. He's not big. He's Canadian, so he has to be nice. I mean look at him (http://www.golfdigest.com/images/golfworld/2007/09/gwar01_070921weir.jpg). "Hmm, I wonder what charity I can donate to tomorrow." Anytime you can put that into a thought bubble for someone and it's not at all far fetched, odds are he's not scaring anyone in an alley. The only reason he gets a 0.1 and not a zero is that he's a lefty. If he did get mad and take a swing, his southpaw stance might throw you off for a second.
1: Jeffrey Buttle (Figure Skating). Go to Buttle's home page. Click on the second photo gallery. Personal Jesus? Ribbon in the sky? Seriously? We're moving on.
2: Phil Mickelson (Golf). http://www.aerojockey.com/fark/originals/phil-mickelson.jpg. Um. . .yeah.
3: Derek Fisher (Basketball). Too nice.
4: Michael Fey (Maybe Playing Basketball Somewhere). Hey, I couldn't leave him out of here. I actually did run into him at a sports bar once and started telling someone just how much of a waste of space and size Fey was, not realizing that the 7-foot marshmallow was behind me. Needless to say, he didn't do anything, thankfully.
5: Martin Gramatica (Football). How harmful can a guy be who gets that excited every time he makes a 33-yard field goal? He might hit you in the face with his Ryu from Street Fighter II like celebration if he were to get in a skirmish, but otherwise, this 5'8'', 170 lb. kicker is about as scary as a bunny rabbit. It could be worse, he could be his younger brother imitating his celebration and tearing his ACL in the process.
8: Eli Manning (Football). Doesn't he always have a look on his face like he's trying to figure out the square root of 436,201? If you look up "deer in headlights" in the dictionary, here's the picture you'll probably see: http://www.starpulse.com/Athletes/Manning,_Eli/gallery/2883051/. Just Google "Eli Manning Deer In Headlights" and see how many hits come up. Not a good sign for a guy being intimidating. He does however get bonus points for being 6'4'', 225 lbs. If Archie Manning is watching, Eli might creep up to a 12. 15 if dad and Peyton are watching.
10: Cristiano Ronaldo (Soccer). Touch him once and he'll be down for 10 minutes screaming as if in agonizing pain.
14: Andruw Jones (Baseball). Even if he got mad at you, is there any way if you ran for it that he'd be able to catch you? Unless his girth takes up the whole alleyway, you're fine. Here's a forwarded line I got about Andruw Jones from my friend, Gavin. "Andruw Jones' favorite color is food." I think that says it all. If you pissed him off, it'd last a second, he'd smile, put on some Bob Marley and at worst he'd try to eat you.
17: Tony Parker (Basketball). I don't think of him as the French guy liable to bust out the Zidane headbutt. If his pet turtle, a.k.a. Timmy, a.k.a. Tim Duncan, is with him, maybe he climbs up to a 24.
21: Travis Ishikawa (Baseball). He could have a baseball on him and if he chucks it at you, you could have a 90 MPH ball flying at your head. On the bright side, if he misses or it doesn't completely debilitate you, here's what might transpire: http://youtube.com/watch?v=MyCksO5mktQ&feature=related.
25: Lennox Lewis (Boxing). I know he's retired and I know he's ginormous and was the heavyweight champion. But nothing about this guy scares me. What's he going to do? Keep pawing at you with a jab? He'd probably underestimate you and then expose his glass chin. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABZu5v2JPuE. At least he was smiling right before he went down.
28: Danica Patrick (Auto Racing). Crazy factor. Why does she keep getting into fights? There must be something to it. She'll be seasoned if you ever get into a tussle with her.
33: Anderson Varejao (Basketball). On sheer size this guy should be at least a 72, but between his hair and his propensity for falling down anytime someone gets near him, Varejao finds himself down here with a 33 rating.
36: David Ortiz (Baseball). Another guy who on looks should be much higher. But, Ortiz is way too nice. In fact, 36 might be too high, but I couldn't drop him below Varejao. I'd still be more scared of Ortiz I think.
40: Marvin Harrison (Football). Marvin Harrison would have been about a 3 until I found out that the guy has an arsenal and allegedly isn't afraid to use it. I had a discussion with my friends about who the most unlikely shooting suspect in the sports world is, now that Marvin Harrison is off the list. I came up with Derek Fisher. My friend topped me with Tiger Woods.
44 (tie): Brook and Robin Lopez (Basketball). I know a lot of you are probably thinking that this is too high, even though both are huge, but don't forget, either one could distract you with his Cookie Monster voice and you'd be down on the ground laughing, thus susceptible to sucker punches.
49: Todd Bertuzzi (Hockey). The guy's willing to fight dirty. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMvOd3qde6k.
53: Roy Williams (Football). He'd probably horse collar you to the ground before beating you down. He can hit hard too.
57: Elaine Powell (Basketball). I don't think I've ever seen another woman land a punch this cleanly in a team sport. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qczJLdMkmGg.
60: Chris Henry (Football). I'm going to guess that you're not his first fight if you run into him, and that he's probably not sober. If you're lucky there's a police officer nearby. This guy's a cop magnet.
63: Sam Cassell (Basketball). Sam should be way lower, but there's an off chance that he might use his alien powers against you. I'm guessing that would not be good.
66: Wayne Rooney (Soccer). You don't want to be in a fight with someone willing to stomp on your little warrior in the World Cup. Who knows what he's capable of in a back alley?
68: Shaquille O'Neal (Basketball). Everybody loves Shaq. I know that. But remember when he tried to take Brad Miller's head off? http://espn.go.com/nba/news/2002/0113/1310789.html#. How would you feel seeing that roundhouse coming at you?
72: Frank Francisco (Baseball). It's not good to be 6'3'', 230 lb. if you're in this column. But combine that with the willingness to launch a chair into the stands, and you get a 76 rating. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQE4ztJQj8Q.
76: Izzy Alcantara (Baseball). This guy's definitely got the crazy factor covered. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6UfpTZEo1I. Plus, I think it says something about him when he just spiked the catcher to the ground and nobody on the other team wants to be the one to take the guy on. At least the pitcher threw his glove at the guy.
79: Zab Judah (Boxing). He's a trained fighter, and he definitely satisfies the craziness requirement. He's not higher because of his size, plus, if you're fast enough to land one, the chicken dance could be in full effect. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esRMgF6KuM0. True to form though, Zab goes after the ref post-fight. Not someone I'd mess with under any circumstances if there were no rules.
83: Adam "Don't Call Me Pacman Anymore" Jones (Football). We love the crazy factor here at Rudin Weekly. Jones loses points for not being as big as the guys that follow. But what he lacks in size, he makes up for in lunacy.
87: Ron Artest (Basketball). Ron Ron is almost into the Tyson crazy atmosphere. However, we've never seen Artest do anything remotely violent enough to warrant a higher placement on this list. Crazy, yes. Uber-violent, no. Sorry Ron.
91: Tank Johnson (Football). He's 6'3'', 300 lb. His name is Tank. He's capable of a 4.7 second time in the 40-yard dash, so you're not escaping him. And even if you're faster, he's armed with enough weapons to occupy Paris. Ok, bad example. (Bonus points for you if you caught that movie reference at the end).
95: Quinton Jackson (MMA). Mixed Martial Arts champ and certifiably insane to the point where his friends get him locked into a mental ward. http://sports.yahoo.com/mma/news?slug=ki-071508&prov=yhoo&type=lgns.
98: Suge Knight (Death Row). I know I said we'd be keeping this to current athletes (Suge played college football), but how could you have a "who would you least like to run into in an alley" column without mentioning Suge Knight?
99: Ray Lewis (Football). When you are one of the largest, fiercest linebackers in the NFL and prominently involved in a double homicide investigation revolving around a stabbing, there's a good chance that you're not really afraid of violence.
100 (tie): Stephen Jackson (Basketball). First off, if you run into Stephen Jackson in an alley, he's got a gun. If he's mad at you, he's shooting. That's a bad start. But, even before that late night strip club incident, Jackson may have solidified his 100 rating with his on-court performance. Any time something like the brawl at the Palace happens, and it's abundantly clear that you were the craziest person on the court, and that you looked to be enjoying yourself, and didn't appear remotely scared, AND taunted the thousands of people trying to kill you, you get yourself a 100 rating.
100 (tie): Mike Tyson (Boxing). When everybody nods their heads in agreement at a 100 rating, you don't really need an explanation.
Randy "Get that Camera out of My Face" Johnson. At 6'11" and that soul patch he is very impressive. If he has baseball in his hands watchout.
Patrick "Cromagnan" Ewing. That is some occipatal crest.
Fernando "where's my posse" Vargas.
Gordie Howe-Great Hockey Player. Nobody would test him particularly in the corners. He had razor blades for elbows plus he could knock you out with one punch.
"Terrible" Ted Lindsay-another hockey player who would drop the gloves. Don't forget in those days there was only one penalty box too. The fights carried on in the box.
Nolan Ryan-looks and acts like a nice guy. However, he can give a good nuggy just ask Robin Ventura.
Let's not forget Milton Bradley. Keep all water bottles out of the way.
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