Welcome To The Club
As some of you know, I'm headed to Vegas this weekend for my future brother-in-law's bachelor party. I'm sure that we'll be entertaining a nightclub at some point, but because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, I opted instead to give you a preview of the guys who we'll be running into at said nightclub.
Frat-tastic Frat Boy
This guy's name is usually something like Brad or Trent. He's somewhere between 22 and 27 years old and recently graduated from college. There is a zero percent chance that he went to a top-25 academic school. And yes, he was in a frat. He may even have the frat's insignia tattooed on his lower leg or upper arm. Brad/Trent tends to be in good shape and will no doubt have overly muscular arms. But his upper body is far more developed than his legs or back because all he really cares about is showing off his biceps in his $100 vintage t-shirt that's about two sizes too small. There is a high likelihood of Brad/Trent starting a fight by purposely bumping into someone then yelling at the guy for having the nerve to be in his path. Brad/Trent has low self-esteem but he tries to make up for it with a really loud exhaust pipe on his car. He'll be doing shot after shot of either Patron or some Grey Goose concoction before puking, hopefully in the bathroom, going home alone, and waking up to do it again the next night at a different club.
Scary Guy
This is the guy that Frat-tastic Frat Boy aspires to be. Scary Guy is with his scary looking friends and all of them have at least five visible tattoos. Bonus points for shaved head, neck, or facial tattoos. Extra bonus points for noticeable gang affiliated tattoos or a tattoo of a tear. Scary Guy may actually be a nice guy, but he wins the contest for "guy that I would least like to somehow piss off tonight." No matter how off you may be on a given night, you sober up when you get within ten feet of Scary Guy as if you just heard a police siren. You make sure to make zero eye contact and not come within five feet of bumping into him. One of these days Frat-tastic Frat Boy is going to get too drunk and accidentally start something with Scary Guy. I would pay a lot of money to be at the club that night.
The White Boy Uniform Wearer
This young man is in the socially acceptable jeans and white button-down shirt with blue stripes. He's either the shy guy who won't be doing much of anything the whole night but fits in and minds his business, or he's "that guy." You know him. He's the guy who will creep up behind a girl on the dance floor and start grinding on her from behind before she's even seen his face. The girl will take one look at her friend who she was dancing with as the friend is trying to covertly shake her head. Before the victimized girl has a chance to register what happened, her friend saves her by grabbing her arm, pulling her away and the two girls will dance together as though another Kelly Clarkson song just came on. Don't worry though, White Boy Uniform Wearer will not be deterred. He'll just think that the girl was a prude and he'll go on to try the same maneuver about seven more times with the same results until he finds a lonely drunk girl who has no friend to save her and she's too drunk to care one way or the other what's happening to her. White Boy Uniform Wearer thinks he's getting some but eventually the alcohol will wear off on the lonely drunk girl and she'll wander on home to pass out. Too bad.
The Faux Rich Boy
This guy is dressed like he's ready to hit the golf course. He's in khaki pants with a tucked in golf shirt. He thinks that this makes him look rich. But really, it just makes him look like a d-bag because everybody knows that he wants to look rich but instead looks like a poor man's Phil Mickelson. Bonus points for hair that's slicked back with about 5 ounces of gel too many. I really hate this guy. He wants you to know he's better than you, so he'll find an excuse to talk crap. Faux Rich Boys tend to try this tactic on me because they will never try it on someone bigger than them. It made my life complete one time to watch Faux Rich Boy try his intimidation tactic on a shorter individual only to have a drink thrown on him and get shoved down in response. Faux Rich Boy was in total shock and cowered out of the bar. That was the first time in my life where I was finally convinced that every now and then bad people get what's coming to them.
No Shame Guy
This is always the most fun guy in the group. He's usually wearing a t-shirt, jeans, sneakers, and sporting some wild hair. Jew-fros are a plus for No Shame Guy. He'll do anything to draw a laugh out of his buddies and anyone else who's watching. If he finds some room on the dance floor he'll break out the Carlton Banks dance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrObV84tD8g) or some wild dance move he's come up with that involves somersaults and flying elbows. Careful you don't catch a stray elbow to the eye. He didn't do it on purpose so don't start something with him if you get unlucky and he bumps into you. No Shame Guy, after his dance routine, will realize that he's really lonely at some point between drinks 4 and 7. That's when he goes back to the good old defense mechanism of drawing more attention to himself. So, around 1:30 a.m., you can count on No Shame Guy to start taking his clothes off to wild laughter from his friends before a bouncer takes notice and kicks him out.
Backstreet Boy
This guy is probably a nice guy even though he's disguised as a combination of Frat-tastic Frat Boy and White Boy Uniform Wearer. Backstreet Boy looks like he just jumped out of the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog. Every girl in the club took notice when he walked in. Backstreet Boy is oblivious at this point because it happens everywhere he goes. He's got his pick of the litter and it drives Frat-tastic Frat Boy crazy. There is a decent chance that Frat-tastic Frat Boy tries to start a fight with Backstreet Boy. But, Backstreet Boy won't engage his new uber-buff for no reason friend and he'll just walk away before going over to the bar and waiting for a girl to buy him a drink.
Kanye West Guy
He's wearing the same argyle sweater as me, only he looks about 100x cooler in it for some reason. You definitely don't want to be caught next to this guy on the dance floor because you will look very bad in comparison. Kanye West Guy is completely comfortable moving to the music on the dance floor by himself. He's just being patient because he knows that in half an hour or less, a girl or two will notice him and make her/their way on over. Kanye West Guy never seems to sweat and is either sipping away on a vodka drink or carrying some expensive bottled water around. You're not sure what to make of Kanye West Guy but whatever he's doing seems to be working.
Creepy Old Guy
Creepy Old Guy is about 45 years old, a solid twenty years older than the average age on any given night. He's drinking a glass of wine and hitting on the youngest girl in the club. He'll try and use his "experience in life" as his intro and then shell out however much money on drinks it takes to keep the young girls around. Eventually he'll invite the girls to an afterparty. They'll laugh, and Creepy Old Guy will head to the strip club again to drop another five hundred dollars on the girls paid to tease him. Good times.
Lonely Old Guy
This is Creepy Old Guy's distant cousin. They have nothing in common aside from being twenty years older than the average person in the club. Lonely Old Guy sits by himself in a corner, sips his whisky or Bud Light, and chats up the bartender during the lulls. He's always a nice guy and you tend to feel sorry for him. Odds are he's running into Creepy Old Guy at the strip club later. Not good times.
Annoying Foreigner
This guy invariably thinks he's better than everybody simply because he's not American. He detests everything American, yet he lives here. Go figure. This guy is cocky, not to be confused with confident. He'll go up to any girl in the club and start speaking his native tongue in hopes of seducing her. She's not having any of it because she smelled his cologne from ten feet away. She also has a rule against speaking to anyone wearing a Von Dutch hat. He'll cuss at her in his native tongue when she spurns his offer and then he'll say something unintelligible about Americans as he walks away.
The Silent Assassin
This guy is going home with a girl tonight, a hot girl. The Silent Assassin is not cocky but he oozes confidence. He may be foreign and if so it only adds to his mystique and aura. He's wearing a designer suit and dress shirt sans tie or jeans and a nice Italian-made jacket. Odds are he's traveled to about 25 different countries and is fluent in at least three foreign languages. The Silent Assassin is often friends with Annoying Foreigner knowing that Annoying Foreigner will give him an opening with the hottest group of girls while at the same time making Silent Assassin look infinitely better just standing next to Annoying Foreigner. One of the girls will eventually ask Silent Assassin what he does. He's in some kind of real estate investment business that enables him to travel all over the world. He just got back from Argentina on vacation. It was beautiful. He'll tell the girl he's talking to that she should go some time. The Silent Assassin leads the hot girl to the dance floor because he knows how to dance to any kind of music that the DJ feels like putting on. You know where this is going because we all know that the Silent Assassin knows how to close.
And with that, I'm off to Vegas tomorrow. Enjoy the NBA Draft tonight everyone and wish me some luck on the craps table.
Frat-tastic Frat Boy
This guy's name is usually something like Brad or Trent. He's somewhere between 22 and 27 years old and recently graduated from college. There is a zero percent chance that he went to a top-25 academic school. And yes, he was in a frat. He may even have the frat's insignia tattooed on his lower leg or upper arm. Brad/Trent tends to be in good shape and will no doubt have overly muscular arms. But his upper body is far more developed than his legs or back because all he really cares about is showing off his biceps in his $100 vintage t-shirt that's about two sizes too small. There is a high likelihood of Brad/Trent starting a fight by purposely bumping into someone then yelling at the guy for having the nerve to be in his path. Brad/Trent has low self-esteem but he tries to make up for it with a really loud exhaust pipe on his car. He'll be doing shot after shot of either Patron or some Grey Goose concoction before puking, hopefully in the bathroom, going home alone, and waking up to do it again the next night at a different club.
Scary Guy
This is the guy that Frat-tastic Frat Boy aspires to be. Scary Guy is with his scary looking friends and all of them have at least five visible tattoos. Bonus points for shaved head, neck, or facial tattoos. Extra bonus points for noticeable gang affiliated tattoos or a tattoo of a tear. Scary Guy may actually be a nice guy, but he wins the contest for "guy that I would least like to somehow piss off tonight." No matter how off you may be on a given night, you sober up when you get within ten feet of Scary Guy as if you just heard a police siren. You make sure to make zero eye contact and not come within five feet of bumping into him. One of these days Frat-tastic Frat Boy is going to get too drunk and accidentally start something with Scary Guy. I would pay a lot of money to be at the club that night.
The White Boy Uniform Wearer
This young man is in the socially acceptable jeans and white button-down shirt with blue stripes. He's either the shy guy who won't be doing much of anything the whole night but fits in and minds his business, or he's "that guy." You know him. He's the guy who will creep up behind a girl on the dance floor and start grinding on her from behind before she's even seen his face. The girl will take one look at her friend who she was dancing with as the friend is trying to covertly shake her head. Before the victimized girl has a chance to register what happened, her friend saves her by grabbing her arm, pulling her away and the two girls will dance together as though another Kelly Clarkson song just came on. Don't worry though, White Boy Uniform Wearer will not be deterred. He'll just think that the girl was a prude and he'll go on to try the same maneuver about seven more times with the same results until he finds a lonely drunk girl who has no friend to save her and she's too drunk to care one way or the other what's happening to her. White Boy Uniform Wearer thinks he's getting some but eventually the alcohol will wear off on the lonely drunk girl and she'll wander on home to pass out. Too bad.
The Faux Rich Boy
This guy is dressed like he's ready to hit the golf course. He's in khaki pants with a tucked in golf shirt. He thinks that this makes him look rich. But really, it just makes him look like a d-bag because everybody knows that he wants to look rich but instead looks like a poor man's Phil Mickelson. Bonus points for hair that's slicked back with about 5 ounces of gel too many. I really hate this guy. He wants you to know he's better than you, so he'll find an excuse to talk crap. Faux Rich Boys tend to try this tactic on me because they will never try it on someone bigger than them. It made my life complete one time to watch Faux Rich Boy try his intimidation tactic on a shorter individual only to have a drink thrown on him and get shoved down in response. Faux Rich Boy was in total shock and cowered out of the bar. That was the first time in my life where I was finally convinced that every now and then bad people get what's coming to them.
No Shame Guy
This is always the most fun guy in the group. He's usually wearing a t-shirt, jeans, sneakers, and sporting some wild hair. Jew-fros are a plus for No Shame Guy. He'll do anything to draw a laugh out of his buddies and anyone else who's watching. If he finds some room on the dance floor he'll break out the Carlton Banks dance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrObV84tD8g) or some wild dance move he's come up with that involves somersaults and flying elbows. Careful you don't catch a stray elbow to the eye. He didn't do it on purpose so don't start something with him if you get unlucky and he bumps into you. No Shame Guy, after his dance routine, will realize that he's really lonely at some point between drinks 4 and 7. That's when he goes back to the good old defense mechanism of drawing more attention to himself. So, around 1:30 a.m., you can count on No Shame Guy to start taking his clothes off to wild laughter from his friends before a bouncer takes notice and kicks him out.
Backstreet Boy
This guy is probably a nice guy even though he's disguised as a combination of Frat-tastic Frat Boy and White Boy Uniform Wearer. Backstreet Boy looks like he just jumped out of the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog. Every girl in the club took notice when he walked in. Backstreet Boy is oblivious at this point because it happens everywhere he goes. He's got his pick of the litter and it drives Frat-tastic Frat Boy crazy. There is a decent chance that Frat-tastic Frat Boy tries to start a fight with Backstreet Boy. But, Backstreet Boy won't engage his new uber-buff for no reason friend and he'll just walk away before going over to the bar and waiting for a girl to buy him a drink.
Kanye West Guy
He's wearing the same argyle sweater as me, only he looks about 100x cooler in it for some reason. You definitely don't want to be caught next to this guy on the dance floor because you will look very bad in comparison. Kanye West Guy is completely comfortable moving to the music on the dance floor by himself. He's just being patient because he knows that in half an hour or less, a girl or two will notice him and make her/their way on over. Kanye West Guy never seems to sweat and is either sipping away on a vodka drink or carrying some expensive bottled water around. You're not sure what to make of Kanye West Guy but whatever he's doing seems to be working.
Creepy Old Guy
Creepy Old Guy is about 45 years old, a solid twenty years older than the average age on any given night. He's drinking a glass of wine and hitting on the youngest girl in the club. He'll try and use his "experience in life" as his intro and then shell out however much money on drinks it takes to keep the young girls around. Eventually he'll invite the girls to an afterparty. They'll laugh, and Creepy Old Guy will head to the strip club again to drop another five hundred dollars on the girls paid to tease him. Good times.
Lonely Old Guy
This is Creepy Old Guy's distant cousin. They have nothing in common aside from being twenty years older than the average person in the club. Lonely Old Guy sits by himself in a corner, sips his whisky or Bud Light, and chats up the bartender during the lulls. He's always a nice guy and you tend to feel sorry for him. Odds are he's running into Creepy Old Guy at the strip club later. Not good times.
Annoying Foreigner
This guy invariably thinks he's better than everybody simply because he's not American. He detests everything American, yet he lives here. Go figure. This guy is cocky, not to be confused with confident. He'll go up to any girl in the club and start speaking his native tongue in hopes of seducing her. She's not having any of it because she smelled his cologne from ten feet away. She also has a rule against speaking to anyone wearing a Von Dutch hat. He'll cuss at her in his native tongue when she spurns his offer and then he'll say something unintelligible about Americans as he walks away.
The Silent Assassin
This guy is going home with a girl tonight, a hot girl. The Silent Assassin is not cocky but he oozes confidence. He may be foreign and if so it only adds to his mystique and aura. He's wearing a designer suit and dress shirt sans tie or jeans and a nice Italian-made jacket. Odds are he's traveled to about 25 different countries and is fluent in at least three foreign languages. The Silent Assassin is often friends with Annoying Foreigner knowing that Annoying Foreigner will give him an opening with the hottest group of girls while at the same time making Silent Assassin look infinitely better just standing next to Annoying Foreigner. One of the girls will eventually ask Silent Assassin what he does. He's in some kind of real estate investment business that enables him to travel all over the world. He just got back from Argentina on vacation. It was beautiful. He'll tell the girl he's talking to that she should go some time. The Silent Assassin leads the hot girl to the dance floor because he knows how to dance to any kind of music that the DJ feels like putting on. You know where this is going because we all know that the Silent Assassin knows how to close.
And with that, I'm off to Vegas tomorrow. Enjoy the NBA Draft tonight everyone and wish me some luck on the craps table.
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